Tragic Soul Page 11

  “Sorry.” My cheeks heated up. I hadn’t meant to hurt him.

  “No, they were good stars, not bad.” He hugged me and rested his chin on my shoulder. “It felt like I came twice in a row.” He leaned on me a bit more, making me bear some of his weight. “I hope you’re tired. I’m exhausted.” He turned me then lifted my chin. “That was fun and kinda new for you, right?”

  I nodded. “Yeah.”

  “New things ain’t so bad.” He kissed my lips softly.

  Smiling, I agreed, “True. Maybe we’ll try shower sex one of these days.”

  His eyes lit up, and then he sighed. “But not tonight. I’ll pass out if I try again.”

  Chapter 16

  A week later, we were playing at Charlie’s. As always, Nick was front and center in the audience, cheering for us louder than anyone. He had been a permanent fixture in our lives since coming back. It seemed like he was doing better. However, he still pretended as if his time in the Middle East hadn’t happened. I wasn’t sure that was a good idea. However, no one could convince him to talk to a doctor.

  That night, he was drinking more than usual. I watched him from the stage, going back and forth to the bar, his hand rarely empty. I sighed, worried about him. I was happy he was back in the states, but he was not the Nick I once knew. There had been another incident of him overreacting to a loud sound. I understood why, but I felt there had to be something we could do about it. His family was in denial as well, so the rest of us dealt with it the best we could.

  Roger’s funeral had been the day before. We all went. Nick acted as if it didn’t bother him at all. I saw the pain in his eyes, even as he denied there was any issue. I held his hand through most of it, hoping it would do some good. When it was over, he kissed my forehead and thanked me for being there, but he didn’t cry or react outwardly. I knew he had to be a wreck inside.

  During our first break, Paulie pulled me aside. “Leave him alone tonight. Pushing him to get help is not doing any good. Maybe tomorrow I can get hold of someone at the VA and see what our options are. OK?” He stared into my glassy eyes.

  “ ’K.” I nodded, trying not to worry.

  He kissed my nose. “Let him have one last night to party. If I have to, maybe I can get him Baker Act-ed or something for his own good.” We all hoped it didn’t come to that. Forcing someone into psychiatric care could be traumatizing. “Chad said he’s with me on this.”

  I nodded again, knowing Chad was worried as well. Roger’s death affected us all. However, only Nick acted as if it didn’t. I turned at the sound of Nick’s voice. He was talking to a young woman; both of them were lit.

  “Yeah. We have to do something.” I leaned my head on his chest. “I keep waiting for him to snap or break down. How can he ignore the pain?”

  Paulie sighed and held my head to him. “Most guys don’t talk. They bury shit. He’s got too much to keep buried for long, though. After tonight, he’ll have to face his demons.”

  Soon after, we were playing again. I got into the music and tried to forget about Nick’s issues. We played “Scarred” and that got me thinking again. Are some scars too big to overcome? I hoped not.

  Just as our second break began, Chad grabbed Nick by the arm. “What the fuck, man? Don’t just take stuff from random chicks. You got no idea what’s in that.”

  Nick pulled back. “Lay off. It’s just a joint. She’s cool.”

  Chad rolled his eyes and seethed for a few seconds. “If you need it so bad, I can get it for you. Stuff I know is not laced with LSD or some other shit.”

  I could see it escalating in my head. Paulie was next to me. “Tell him to chill out before he does something stupid. Please.” I silently wished Amy was there to help me talk sense into Chad, but she had spent the weekend in Connecticut with her family.

  “Which one?” Paulie looked from Chad to Nick.

  I exhaled loudly. “Chad, silly.” I stood by as Paulie intervened. The argument ended with Nick walking outside. “Thanks,” I told Paulie when he came back to me.

  “I need some air.” Chad brushed past us on the way out the front door.

  Paulie seized his arm. “Don’t. Let him get high. Tomorrow we do it.”

  “I know.” Chad nodded his head to the rear door.

  The three of us wove through the crowd until behind the bar. The single floodlight was more than enough to see each other by. A few others smoked or talked nearby, but it was quieter.

  “He’s hellbent on self-destruction.” Chad threw his hands up. “If we can’t get him some help, he’s gonna wind up OD-ing or something.” He growled and threw his hands up again.

  I moved to Chad’s side and wrapped my arms around him. “We’re all worried.”

  His body relaxed into mine as he hugged me tightly. “Baby girl, I feel like we’re losing him. I don’t know what to do.”

  “I’ll be back,” Paulie called out, most likely to give us privacy.

  Chad shuddered. “What if we’re too late? What if they can’t fix him?”

  I closed my eyes and held him closer. “We have to believe they can. They have meds for everything now.” I feared the same thing, but he needed assurance. “It’ll be OK, Chad.”

  He didn’t let go until Paulie came back out. “Time to go.”

  Chad leaned down and kissed my forehead. “Thanks.”

  Paulie took my hand when Chad went inside. “You guys OK?”

  “Yeah. He’s frustrated.”

  He nodded. “I get that. Nick’s fine. High and trashed, but safely inside. I paid a pretty girl to sit on his lap and keep him in the chair. Only cost me three drinks.”

  I laughed. “Wow. I shoulda thought of that one.”

  Two hours later, we ended the night with “Her Desire.” It was a crowd favorite. Most of the bar was on their feet, encouraging Andy to showboat a bit. He jumped into a group of women trying to dance close by. Some squealed when he put an arm around their shoulders and pulled them close. It was a great finale.

  After packing up Chad’s van, Phil, Daniel, Paulie and I went back inside. Nick was kissing the girl still in his lap. She giggled while he slid his hand up her back.

  “Time to go,” Paulie announced. “Where’re your keys?”

  It was then I realized we should have taken them away long before. He could have driven off at any time without us knowing.

  “I made sure he was blocked in,” Chad whispered from behind me. “I tried to take his keys hours ago.”

  Relief washed over me. “Good.”

  “I’m fine to drive. Lay off.”

  Daniel got in his face. “You’re trashed. Gimme the fuckin’ keys.” They had known each other since they were kids.

  “I’m drivin’.” Nick took his keys out and clutched them tightly. “Wanna go for a ride, babe?”

  “Over my dead body.” Chad pushed passed me and pointed at Nick. “You…” His voice trailed off. I knew Chad regretted his words.

  Nick stared, stunned.

  Chad snatched the keys. “Sorry, but I’m not letting you drive.” He handed me the keys. “Meet us at my house. I’ll get him in the car.”

  Nick struggled as Chad threw him over his shoulder with Paulie and Daniel’s help. Paulie grabbed Nick’s legs when he tried to kick. It took the three of them to keep him from escaping.

  “Put me the fuck down!” Nick demanded. “Let me go. I can drive my own fuckin’ car.”

  “Somebody tape his mouth shut or something,” Chad growled as he and Paulie carried him outside.

  I got behind the wheel of Nick’s car nervously. What if he freaks out? What if we crash because he tries to overpower me? The passenger door opened, and I jumped.

  “Not leaving you alone with him.” Paulie sat next to me.

  A rear door opened, then I heard a slight thud. I turned to see Daniel and Chad settling a passed-out Nick in the backseat. Knowing better than to ask if they knocked him out somehow, I shifted back to look out the windshield.

 
“Do you wanna drive?” I asked, glancing at Paulie.

  He smiled. “No. I never seen you drive. This could be interesting.”

  I shook my head. I rarely needed to drive. I couldn’t afford a car, anyway. When Chad pulled out, unblocking me, I backed out and followed him home.

  Nick stayed asleep until we arrived. Then he stumbled into the house and disappeared into the bathroom. I waited for him inside, worried he would fall. I could hear the guys storing our equipment in the garage. Within minutes, Nick staggered towards me.

  “Hey.” Nick grabbed my arms, then lost his balance, and we tumbled to the floor, him on top of me. He smirked. “Why’ve we never hooked up?” He shifted his hips a bit, opening my legs. “I wanna fuck the shit outta you tonight. How you like that?” He pressed his growing cock against my lower abdomen.

  I was stunned into silence. Not once had he ever come on to me. My eyes open wide, I felt him trying to line his body up with mine. He was too wasted to do anything more, thankfully. When he lifted my blouse, I pushed him.

  “Get off!” I scurried out from under him when he adjusted his position. “I’m with Paulie.”

  Nick laughed and rolled to his back. “Bet I fuck better than him.”

  I got to my feet and stayed a few yards away from him. When everyone came inside, I was relieved. Nick walked away from me then collapsed on the couch, lying down. His eyes were unfocused, but I could tell he was thinking. Then I saw a tear roll down his cheek.

  “You OK?” I knelt next to him. “Anything I can do?”

  He puckered his lips. “A kiss?”

  “Sure.” I brushed his lips with mine. “Let me help you. Please.”

  Nick closed his eyes and shook his head. “No one can help.”

  I slowly ran my fingers over his crewcut. “Don’t say that.” I barely held my tears at bay. “Please. I’ll listen if you wanna talk.”

  “Just leave me alone.” He turned away from me.

  I waited there on the floor until he started snoring softly. Sleep could help. I was sure of it. Paulie sat next to me as I gently rubbed Nick’s back. I had to do something for him.

  “He’ll sleep it off,” Paulie started. “Then we’ll bring him to the VA in the morning. I’m camping out here, just in case. Stay with me?”

  I moved over and sat on his lap. “Sure. Maybe then I can stop stressing over this.”

  “Yeah.” He embraced me, laying his head on my shoulder. “We’ll get him help.”

  Chad’s roommates came home not long after. Drinks were passed around. The television was turned on. Laughter filled the room. Nick slept through it all.

  “I’m getting tired,” I admitted.

  Paulie patted my hip. “I’ll move Nick.”

  “She can have my room,” Chad suggested. “We have a few airbeds.”

  I used the bathroom. By the time I got back, Paulie and Chad were setting up the airbeds around the living room. Then Nick started to stir. I hurried to him when it seemed he was about to roll off the sofa.

  “Hey, there.” Nick smiled at me as his eyes opened.

  I stood over him and returned the smile. “How you feel?”

  “Like shit, but that’s life.” He put out a hand, and I helped him sit up. “What’s all this?”

  Unsure if he could handle the truth, I patted his shoulder. “It’s late. We’re gonna stay.”

  “You and Paulie? Why?” Nick struggled to get to his feet. He grabbed me to keep from falling. “You worried about me?”

  I looked up at him. “Nah, just don’t wanna go all the way home.”

  “I’m fine.” He stepped away from me. “Chad, gimme my keys. I need something from my car.”

  Chad stood. “Not happenin’. I’ll get it. What’d you need?”

  “I ain’t a fuckin’ baby.” Nick glared at Chad. “Gimme my keys.”

  Standing his ground, Chad stared back. “No. I’ll open the doors.”

  Chad and Nick went outside. Only Chad returned, still holding the keys. Nick was gone longer than I thought he had to be. Suddenly my phone went off. Then so did Chad’s, Paulie’s and Daniel’s. I glanced at my phone. It was a text from Nick. We had all gotten it.

  It should have been me.

  We all looked at each other. Then Chad and Paulie’s eyes opened wide.

  Chad shouted, “Shit!” He stood up fast.

  A shot rang out. Everyone froze for a few seconds. Then Chad and Paulie scrambled to the door. I got up and hurried after them. Paulie was out the door first.

  Chad turned to me. “No! Stay here.”

  Daniel ran past him, then after a few seconds, he screamed, “Oh fuck! Oh fuck!”

  I waited a bit, then followed them. My hands flew to my mouth when I found them standing beside Nick’s car, its driver-side door open. Blood ran down the partly open window. Chad had his hands in his hair, and Paulie was holding him and consoling him. Daniel just paced, tears running down his cheeks.

  “Go back inside!” Paulie yelled. “You don’t wanna see this.”

  Andy appeared next to me and put an arm around my shoulders. “What happened?” He had been in the bathroom. Then he looked closer at the scene and said, “Oh, no.”

  Paulie looked up again. “Andy, call 911. We gotta report this.”

  I shook. I was in shock and denial. My brain must be wrong. Nick is gonna step outta the car just fine. No way he shot himself.

  People came out of their houses to see where the shot came from. By the time the police and an ambulance showed up, I was still on the porch, frozen. I didn’t know where Andy had gone. When someone shook me, I looked up.

  Paulie met my eyes. “I’m sorry.” He hugged me tightly, and I finally let my tears flow. “Honey, I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s tragic.” My voice was as shaky as my lips. “He’s so young. What happens to his soul now?”

  “I don’t know the answer to that.” Paulie rubbed his lips over my hair. “I’m confused, too.”

  We didn’t move for a while. Then I lifted my head. “That text.” I swallowed back another round of tears. “What do you think he meant?”

  Paulie sighed and pressed his forehead to mine. “His phone was in his hand. The last text he sent was to Roger’s old phone. It said ‘I’m sorry.’ I think he feels he shoulda died, not Roger. We’ll never know for sure.”

  I nodded. “OK.” I didn’t know what else to say.

  Suicide among soldiers and ex-soldiers was something I had only heard about on the news. I couldn’t imagine what he had seen or been through. From the snippets I caught when he spoke to his ex-military friends, it seemed to have been worse than he had expected.

  The day before, I had found an article online about the incident that had ultimately killed Roger. Nick was the only one who walked away. That had to bring on some heavy guilt. Obviously, it was more than he could handle. Tears built again. I wished I had found the article sooner and put things together. Maybe he would still be with us. It was so tragic.

  A hand on my back made me jump. “Sorry, baby.” Chad hugged both of us. “It’s gonna be a’right.” He kissed my temple. “We got you.”

  “I always got you,” Paulie added.

  After a minute or two, Chad whispered, “The police need to talk to all of us. They wanna do it before the military gets here.”

  Chapter 17

  Nick’s funeral was two weeks behind us. We had canceled several gigs. Burying two friends so close together took a toll on all of us. Chad, Amy, Paulie and I were out on a double date. It was Saturday night. After seeing a movie, we went to the river.

  Walking hand in hand there with Paulie, I tried not to think about finding Keith cheating on me. Every time the image appeared, I looked to the water beside us. It brought back numerous memories of Chad and I walking, kissing and joking around. My cheeks heated up.

  “What?” Paulie asked. He pulled me closer, putting an arm over my shoulders. “You’re blushing.”

  I smiled, my face reddening
even more. “Um, it’s hard to explain.”

  He glanced back, most likely at Chad. “Oh. The before-me thing?”

  “Yeah,” I replied softly. “Sorry.”

  Exhaling loudly, he squeezed my arm. “You can’t help when memories come. Just as long as you don’t make new ones with him.”

  My eyes opened wide, thinking he was serious. “I—I—”

  “Got ya.” He pushed me slightly, unbalancing me. Then he caught me and took me in his arms. “I trust you.” His lips pressed to mine for a few seconds. “He’s busy with Amy these days, anyway.” He winked.

  My chest constricted. Although thinking of Chad with Amy didn’t bother me much, something was still there. Sometimes I hated myself for it. Was it fair to be jealous when I refused to date him myself? No.

  “If you still had the IUD, I’d make them walk on ahead and fuck you on a park bench.” He grinned. “Risky can be awesome, but I don’t got a condom.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You’re horny again? We had sex last night.”

  “I always want you.” He grabbed my ass and ground his growing cock into my belly. “If we could, I’d fuck you everywhere.” He nuzzled my neck.

  I sighed. “I wish we could be that spontaneous.”

  He exhaled over my ear. “I’m OK with it this way, honey. I swear.”

  Getting the IUD out was for the best. My first cycle since the removal had started that day. It was nothing compared to the ones from when I had the device in. I barely even had a cramp.

  “You feeling OK?” His tone softened as he loosened his grip on me. “Nothing like last time, right?”

  I smiled and met his eyes. “I’m good.”

  “Hungry?” Chad called to us from a few feet away.

  Paulie looked up. “Hell yes.” He lifted my chin and looked into my eyes. “Burgers?”

  “Sure.” I smiled, glad he was easy to please when it came to food.

  We went to our favorite diner. The staff knew us. Chad waved to our usual waitress as we were led to our table by the hostess. We settled into the booth before lifting the menus out of habit. Chad and I knew everything they offered. I always debated on getting breakfast, but I usually chose a salad if it wasn’t morning.